I try to learn something every day. Today, I just learnt about hostile dependency, which is an
interesting phenomenon. I never knew such a term even existed.
Definition of Hostile Dependency
It manifests itself in a relationship when one partner feels
they ‘need’ the other person, while at the same time, because they have unhealthy behaviors that they cannot control, they act in a manner that
hurts the other person. The hostile dependent person believes that they
emotionally, economically, socially and physically depend on the other person
and are entitled to that dependency.
Signs of Hostile Dependency
Dr Wolters says “Instead of talking out their feelings,
hostile-dependent partners act them out. An example of acting out may be
throwing a dish when you are really hurt and angry at your partner. Typically,
partners in a hostile-dependent relationship:”
• don’t share their needs or vulnerabilities
• push each other away but demand nurturance
• don’t see the other partner as a separate person (clinginess and control)
• express hurt and anger in verbal and physical attacks
• resort to name-calling when upset
• walk out on fights
• aren’t able to function independently in the marriage
Dr. Stein writes that, “For one thing, the neediness of the hostile
dependent individual can establish an unhealthy basis for the relationship from
the start. In effect, the unwritten “contract” between the two parties will
require that one does the helping and the other receives the comfort, with
little reciprocal responsibility. This inequity risks eventual “burn out” in
the caretaker and possible frustration that the damaged friend is not improving
fast enough.”
Some who are in the role of a “friend/helper” find that their own needs are
perpetually postponed and that their efforts to provide solace will be seen as
an entitlement and therefore unappreciated. Indeed, even if the altruistic
partner receives gratitude early in the relationship, such appreciation often
fades.
Sometimes, in fact, the connection between the two people morphs into a
“hostile dependency,” where the person receiving the assistance resents the
fact that he cannot function without his comrade.
Origins of Hostile Dependency
It starts from childhood. Dr Tara explains that “Children
rely on their parents for their care and safety needs.
Good enough parents
do their best to respond to their children’s needs while teaching them how to
meet their own needs as developmentally appropriate.”
But, Tara explains, “not all parents are “good enough.” Some parents shame
their children or become angry/frustrated/impatient with them for expressing
wants and needs.
When a parent punishes a child or tells them that they’re
bad/selfish/demanding/inconvenient for expressing needs and feelings, the
message is:
It’s unacceptable to have needs and feelings and to depend
upon me. Since most children actively avoid parental disapproval,
these kids intuitively find indirect ways to get their needs met.
A child who has to disavow or mask their needs and feelings from a parent
eventually develops an ever-growing anger and resentment. Since it’s especially
unsafe to directly express anger and resentment toward their parent(s), these
children often develop passive-aggressive behaviors and attachment issues.”
So what happens then? Dr. Tara explains that “adults who weren’t able to
get their needs met directly, who didn’t have parents teach them how to self-soothe
and who were made to feel bad, guilty or ashamed about being dependent upon
their parents, bring these leftover childhood issues into their adult
relationships. In more extreme cases, these issues are manifested in
personality disorders and other emotional disturbances.”
Hostile dependent people do not understand interdependence, they only
understand dependence. What is the difference? Dr. Tara explains that “
Interdependence
is a dynamic of being mutually and physically responsible to, and sharing a
common set of principles with others. This concept differs distinctly from “
dependence,” which implies that each
member of a relationship cannot function or survive apart from one another. In
an interdependent relationship, all participants are emotionally, economically,
ecologically and/or morally self-reliant while at the same time responsible to
each other.”
Tara explains that “A woman stuck in hostile dependency maps her unhappy
childhood, dependency needs and anger about not having every single need met,
no matter how small, onto her partner and/or her ex-partner. She is
inappropriately
dependent on her partner/ex while simultaneously furious about her self-imposed
dependency. This kind of woman casts her intimate partners and ex-intimate
partners into a parental role.”
The doctor explains that HD persons are, “
emotionally speaking,
children in adult bodies. They’re stuck in a state of arrested
development on a continuum of infancy to snide, bitchy, ungrateful teenager.
This kind of woman-child doesn’t know how to meet her own needs, that is, if
she even knows what her needs are. Many of these women are ambulatory masses of
unmet, unnamed needs.”
Tara says that “This woman is very much the infant who uses
the same distress cry for wet diaper, physical pain, “Validate meeeeeee!” and, “Pick me up, I’m bored!” Every need
and want, no matter how trivial, is experienced and expressed with the same
extreme urgency…She wants total financial and emotional support, blind loyalty
and unconditional love—especially when her behavior is horrid and abusive…They’re
obnoxious, contemptible and abusive. In her
mind, it’s your job to provide her with the unconditional love mommy and daddy
didn’t provide and/or the over-indulgent, permissive, no accountability, “you’re wonderful and special”
parenting that created this overgrown child.”
Arrested Development and Anger
“During adolescence, parents help teens individuate into autonomous,
responsible adults. Meaning that
teens stop attributing their
difficulties to parents and others and begin to assume responsibility for their
own actions (Bios, 1968). The other developmental tasks of adolescence
are identity/personality formation and consolidation, separating from parents,
sexual maturation and sexual identity formation, and mature time perspective
(Buhler, 1968; Neugarten, 1969). Identity consolidation is “a process of
investing oneself in new adult roles, responsibilities, and contexts and
evaluating one’s ongoing experience in order to construct a coherent, grounded,
and positive identity” (Pals, JL, 1999). Mature time perspective involves
“being able to foresee the future implications of [one's] present behaviors and
envisage how [one's] present behavior can serve the attainment of future goals”
(Simons, Vansteenkiste, Lens and Lacante, 2004).
These are essential developmental milestones
that many HCP (high-conflict) and abusive personality disordered individuals (histrionic personality disorder,
borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial
personality disorder, etc.) fail to achieve at the age appropriate time.
If you’re dealing with a woman whose hostile dependency is part of a
personality disorder or personality disorder traits, I don’t know if it’s
possible to successfully navigate this developmental task in adulthood.”
“
The telltale sign of hostile dependency is the anger it generates,
in both the dependent person and the person depended upon. Most
ex-husbands are incredibly angry and resentful about having to financially
support their ex-wives—grown adults who either refuse to support themselves or
who erroneously believe they’re entitled to a better lifestyle than they can
generate on their own. This is also evident in husbands who have to play
nursemaid to their wives’ every emotional need and/or are stuck shouldering the
entire financial burden in their families because their
wives refuse to work.
Given that these women project their unresolved mommy and daddy issues onto
their partners/ex-partners/children, it makes sense that they feel entitled to
ungodly amounts of lifetime spousal support/attention/time/special
treatment/etc.
Unfortunately, since these women’s parents failed to teach them how to
self-soothe, to be responsible for their choices, to have empathy, to
experience consequences for their choices and raise them into responsible
adults, we’re stuck with these perpetual greedy infants, terrible two-sters and
arrogant, nasty adolescents. Worse yet, these women-children are passing their
dysfunction on to the next generation.”
Solutions to Hostile Dependency
1.
Contain Your Anger
2. Take
a Time-out for Healthy Action
3.
Make Healthy Fighting
Agreements –
a. Take turns listening to each other
b. Talk out their feelings
c. Focus on one topic
d. Paraphrase what the other has said
e. Ask good questions to facilitate
understanding
Avoid the furious four” fighting tactics:
1.
Name-calling
2.
Threatening divorce
3.
Throwing or hitting things
4.
Walking out on a fight
4.
4. Learn to Apologize
SOURCES
http://drgeraldstein.wordpress.com/tag/hostile-dependency/
http://www.shrink4men.com/2011/06/07/hostile-dependency-is-your-wife-girlfriend-or-ex-a-child-masquerading-in-the-body-of-a-woman/
http://www.marriageadvice.com/2012/the-anger-dependent-marriage/
