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Friday, September 9, 2016

NOW, ABOUT THOSE FARTS...

When you run, you will fart, or toot, or pass gas - take your pick.
You will. It’s that simple. Just like when you are in love, you will get hurt. Not necessarily heartbreak hurt, but hurt nonetheless.
Farts, like other calls of nature, are a fact of life. Runners, especially, will fart even more. Hence this discussion.

Everybody farts. Ok? So let’s just get that out of the way. Even you, dear reader. Yes. You there.

Today we shall discuss the nature of farts, kinds of farts and how to handle farts.

Of course, if you eat foods that cause flatulence, you will fart even more. Some fart blasts last a full 15 seconds and can be heard from dozens of meters away. And their blast wave can envelop people within a 20 meters radius.

The sound of farts, though embarrassing, is often not the problem but the smell of farts. From boiled eggs to dead rabbits, the spectrum of fart smells is rich beyond imagination. Many farts have marked beginnings of lifelong friendships and no friendship has ever ended because of a fart. But I digress.

Farting can be embarrassing. Ever run into those silent but deadly fart clouds left by the runner ahead while running? And when you pass you assess their behinds then their faces in holier-than-thou disgust?

When you try to hold the fart in, due to the jarring nature of running, the fart may end up escaping as a SQUEAK - a squeak sounds like a door squeaking open. But the sound is still unmistakably farty.

Or sometimes it escapes as a BRRRR or VUVUZELA fart - a brr sounds like high pressure gas escaping from a narrow, vibrating space.

Now what can you do when you toot in a run?

1. Pretend it never happened. Feign ignorance like an ostrich with its head deep in the sand. Say hi to your victim(s), smile sweetly and remark about the great weather. It may distract them from the near death experience.
2. Make similar sounds like the fart sound with your mouth, armpits or feet or any available body part that can produce a similar sound. This can work very well when your gas is odorless.
3. Blame any rookie nearby, or the city council for not keeping the city clean.
4. Ask, "Is there a dead animal nearby?" and wear a mask of disgust and complete terror.
5. Own up, roll your eyes in exasperation and blame the cabbages and beans you ate. Call them terrible and apologize.
6. Own up and laugh uncontrollably at yourself in embarrassment. Chuckle, cover your eyes with your hands so that your victims feel you are the victim of huge embarrassment that you can’t hide from. They will reach out and tell you it’s okay, we all fart.

If you do have to fart, first assess the wind direction. If the wind is blowing towards a crowd, you may want to consider whether farting is a good idea, of whether you can hold it and wait for a better time.

  1. If there is no wind that can give you away, check your left hand side and behind you
  2. If the coast is clear, check your right hand side and behind you.
  3. If the coast is clear again, prepare to let go. Ensure it’s not haja kubwa masquerading as a fart because if you make the mistake, even I can’t advise you out of that mess of mistaken identity.
  4. Now,…ready?
  5. Let go.
  6. Enjoy the ensuing relief, quietly thank God for the genius of inventing farts and continue with your run.
We shall next talk about blocked noses while recovering from colds and how you can safely convert your nasal contents into projectiles that won’t hurt anyone as you run.
Happy running!

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